Monday, June 13, 2011

My Journey Almost Ended...

So what's been going on? You might have noticed that my head was a little... wonky... last week. There was a lot happening. I was in a bad place, though trying hard to not be. It was the halfway point in my training... I'd been training for 12 weeks, with 12 to go. And it was nearly the end of my journey.


The last several weeks have been severely stressful for both Ariel and I as we've tried to find our way on this path. It wasn't working. Something was broken, but we couldn't figure it out. Last week was full of crisis, anger, fear, drama, and a little despair.  I realized that the circumstances required me to step back, to walk away from my goal of reaching the stage in August. My first responsibility is to my family. While competing is a dream of mine, I am first and foremost a mom and wife.


On Monday, I had a long, tearful, talk with Tab. All that I'd been feeling, I let out (and thankfully, she still loves me). We agreed on a new plan. I was not going to simply walk away... I was going to reroute. Instead of August, I'd head for March. We began building a whole new plan, which included periodized training (and lots and lots of food!). While I worked to accept this new plan, to let go of my original one, while I struggled to find balance and peace, there was something else heading my way.


My boss dropped the boom. My job is being cut back.


I felt like I was being kicked while already down. This is already an incredibly stressful time, financially. We're going a lot of different directions (end of school year stuff, graduation, cheer, competing, business...) and money seems to be flowing out faster than it's coming in... and now my job is being cut back. I don't know how much, or when. It's just hanging over me.


By end of day Monday, my decision had been made. I would wait to compete until March. I'm a Mom first. But I would still compete. I would still go forward. I would still reach my goal. Wednesday, at my workout, was when Tab gave me her bracelet. It was one of the only high points of my week. She believed in me. And gave me the faith to believe in myself, no matter what the timeline.


As the week progressed, we determined to leave my diet where it was, with the exception of a treat meal Monday night, and another on Thursday night, then we'd hammer out the new diet over the weekend.  Ariel had to make her own decisions, and let us know what they were Thursday evening. I was dreading writing the post to tell all of you that my plans had changed. I was so afraid you'd think I'd given up, or failed, and I didn't know how to convey my reasons without compromising the privacy of my family. And then I remembered that Oxygen Magazine was running my success story next month... would I have to let them know my August show was now moved to March? It just all felt like too much. 


Enter Thursday. I'm finally leveling out. I've begun to accept my new path, and even start to look forward to it (I mean really... lots and lots of food... sign me up!). I don't know where my job situation will leave me, but I'm committed to my path, and Bill and I are working out a plan there, too... ironically, it includes both the donut maker and the laptop, lol!  And then we sat down with Ariel and it all went topsy turvy again.


Those of you with kids... you know those moments where you're stunned by your child's maturity, their clear-thinking? This was one of those moments. All the trauma and drama faded away, as she grasped responsibility and made her plans. After much discussion, and finally honest communication... here's where the chips have all landed...


Ariel will compete in March. She wants more time. She wants to watch me go through this first. She has some personal work to do, and needs the room to grow. And she wants me to not yell at her about food all the time. Lol.


I am competing in August, as originally planned. I am back on-diet. I am back on-track with cardio/workouts. And I'm now working out with Tabitha 5 days a week, cardio 6 days (half HIIT, half steady). I have 11 weeks to go.


And an aside... anyone who tells you that a cheat meal or two won't make any difference? They're either lying or they simply don't know what they're talking about. My body water is up. Way up. My pants are tight today. My total weight was up 5 lbs. Every cheat/treat makes a difference. A couple of treat meals paired with a ton of stress, and I've got a lot of work to do to fix it. But I'll do it. I'll take every step. I will reach my goal.


There are many challenges ahead of me, financial, professional and personal. I don't know how it's all going to work out. But, what I do know now, 100%, is that when I get to August, I have the full support and love of my family. There are no more shadows.


Many of you wrote to me this week - emails and posts. Your messages meant the world to me. You helped keep me from sinking, and I'm so grateful. Thank you.



And now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go stretch out my chest before full rigor sets in.





8 comments:

  1. Chelle,

    (((HUGS))) You should not feel that you let anyone down. You are a strong, amazing woman!!! No matter if you compete or not it will never change. Hang in there...I truly believe things happen for a reason. Maybe this is an opening to change paths in your career. I also praise you for putting your family first. It's very hard to strike a balance.

    Okay sorry to be so long winded...just know you have tons of support!!!

    Tammy

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  2. *HUG* So glad that you and your family have a plan and (selfishly) excited that I get to continue following you to the August show! (I would have followed you to the March one as well, though!) Hang in there, Chelle! We are ALL rooting for you!

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  3. We are here for you, Chelle!!! You can never let anyone down with all that you have inspired in us!!! I'm sorry to hear all that you are going thru, but I am sure it will work out! ((HUGS))to you and I am rooting for you for your show!!!

    Netty

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  4. Morning Chelle! Honey I know that you don't really know me, but I've been following you on your blog and eat-clean forum for months and you completely inspire me! Our stories are very similar...divorce about the same age, need to lose some weight and take control, starting over, etc...You have inspired me to take care of myself more than you know!! Thank you for sharing your struggles from the last week with us. It shows that you are human! It helps us to relate to you in an even closer way because we all have struggles and obstacles to overcome. Balance is so not easy!
    Sending you lots of hugs and encouragement!

    KeriW

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  5. Just sending as much positive energy I can your way. You are doing an AMAZING job with everything that has been thrown your way. An inspiration to many. :)

    lots of love.

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  6. You guys ROCK! Thank you so much!! Your support and encouragement are humbling and so very appreciated!!!

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  7. Chelle, I've said it before, but you are my HERO! I wish you all the luck in the world on your journey and I'll be cheering for you when you cross that stage. Big Hugs, Becky

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  8. Wow, I can't believe how much has been going on this past week! As you've proven before, if anyone can handle it, it's you! I'm glad you're staying on track for August, for whatever reason, that feels like the right option for you to me, but changing your date to March would have been a completely understandable detour--and not a failure at all.

    In any case, it's amazing for me to get to read all the encouraging comments people leave because it feels like people really understand just how awesome my sister is! :) I can't wait til your issue of Oxygen comes out, I feel like I've been waiting forever. I still have the article about you that came out in Women's Health and I pull it out every now and then just to remind myself to keep going--in whatever I'm doing.

    Anyway, I'm sorry to hear about the job cut backs, but I feel like one of the above posters said, this might be a great time to look into a new opportunity. Obviously there are still a few things that are up in the air for you, but I'm very confident that no matter what, you'll land on your feet :)

    Love you!!

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