Thursday, July 28, 2011

As it turns out... (WARNING - Complaining ahead)

Well, evidently, even if you don't name someone in a post, they CAN get mad at you. :-(  Lesson learned. Maybe.

Yesterday got rocky. It didn't start that way, but it sure as heck got to the bad place. I ended up missing Abs class, a HIIT cardio session, and a posing session. I was a WRECK. It was due to a combination of Mom-duty and my inability to demand assistance.

I tend to go the subtle route. I hint. Sometimes I even hint forcefully, but when others don't want to take the hint, I back off, and I bend. I give up, I make the sacrifice. This is what happened yesterday. We have two vehicles, 4 drivers, 5 schedules to maintain. Yesterday, Bethany's cheer camp ended with a Performance & Awards ceremony. This began at 4:30. My Abs class is at 5:30-5:45, Cardio 5:45-6:25, Posing 6:30-7pm. Bowling Starts at 6:30.

Here's how it should have gone... I would meet Bill at the performance at 4:30. The moment it ended, I would hug my daughter and run to my car, drive to class and accomplish the tasks I needed to in order to get my butt to stage on August 27th. Bill would take Bethany with him to bowling, and since he would be driving, save me from having to go to the bowling alley later to pick him up. When bowling is done, he would drive himself and Bethany home, where I would be falling asleep (as it would be around 9:30pm).

Here's how it went...  I was at the performance at 4:30. When it ended, I had to wait for the girls to settle, then drive to the other hotel to pick up Bethany's luggage, then wait for the very small parking lot to clear out so I could leave the hotel. By this time (this was a gaggle of 15 year old girls) it was 6:00. I've missed Abs class. As I fly down the freeway, I realize I'm not going to get there in enough time to do my 40 minutes of cardio (30 HIIT, 10 steady), and I start to panic. The closer I get to the gym, and to Tab, the more I stress. I'm fighting tears. Add to this some teen drama (and mom is always, always the bad guy), and you have me... a quivering mess. We get there just before 6:30 and Tab, through well developed dealing-with-Chelle-skills, talked me down off the ledge and rearranged my week so that all I had to do was go home and grab my dinner, then go to the bowling alley. So I did that, I ate my cucumber and baked Swai at the alley. When the guys were done bowling, I drove Bill home, and then made my final meal of egg whites & veggies. I got to eat this at 10pm. I was supposed to be in bed at 9pm.

Yes, Tab was able to rearrange my schedule to make up for this mess, but this shouldn't have happened. No, it's not the end of the world, but it definitely felt like it when it was happening. I'm 4 1/2 weeks out from show. Surely someone else can bend for awhile, right?

Well sure they can... if I ask.

And that brings us back to my "hinting". I absolutely have to ASK for help. When I hint, and it falls on deaf ears, I absolutely have to get clear, and loud if necessary. This is temporary thing. I know that no one else in the family chose to compete, It was MY choice, and they shouldn't be punished for my choice. I get that. BUT...helping me out isn't punishment... driving yourself to and from something for a few weeks isn't anything more than an inconvenience of the mosquito bite genre... this shouldn't even be an issue.

I know, I know. I'm making mountains out of molehills. Again. But, I think this is one of the lessons competing is supposed to teach me. I've never been good at asking for help. When push comes to shove, I always get pushed (or shoved). I'm the one who makes way. And that's fine, mostly. It's just part of our family dynamic. I'm not a pushover, I'm just... mom. And wife.   But for this process, for the next 4 1/2 weeks, I'm a competitor, and I'll be the one pushing. It's not comfortable for me. I was pretty satisfied with my "hint-hint, ok fine, I'll do it myself" style. It didn't bother me more than a smidge that I was always running around behind the girls finishing their chores, or folding someone else's laundry, or driving someone to and fro. But I can't do it right now. I just can't. My house is a mess. My kitchen is a nightmare - which kills me, my kitchen is my baby. The laundry room is booby-trapped. There are new stains on my living room floor. And I have to close my eyes and "not see". It is driving me insane. And I have to ask for help. Straight out ask for it.

Sometimes life's little lessons are a real bitch.

I want to be really, really clear... my family is amazing. I am a carb-deprived manic neurotic mess. I get that. My family will help me. The key here, and I hope I've made this point, is that I have to ask, and when necessary, I have to insist. This is on me. I 'm not blaming anyone, so please don't "anyone" get your panties in a twist. Ok, that might have been the lack of carbs saying that last bit. I'm just trying to be open and honest. This is all part of the process. The good and the bad.

Ok... I'm done with the bitch-fest. I'm off to go do Cardio #2 for today. Tonight is a carb meal... YAY!! Wooohoo!  This should make everyone in my house happy. :-)

5 comments:

  1. I just found your blog and I love it. Thanks for sharing your journey with us, your transformation is amazing.

    & Reading this, no it's not a mountain out of a molehill. It your life, and you're living in it - so of course, it completely sucks.

    You're right about ASKING for help - if you need it, and you feel like you shouldn't have to ask, you won't get what you want/need. There's no harm in asking, and nobody will think less of you for it - they may whine and complain, but when did responsibility kill anyone? It's not your job to do everything even though you are mom/wife. You'll just get burnt out if you try to do everything by yourself especially at 4 weeks out!!

    Just my 2 cents.
    You got this girl! Go get that trophy!

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  2. Well, if "someone" is old enough to drive themselves, they're plenty old enough to fold their own damn laundry and clean the kitchen. And if those same "someones" live in that house and breathe that house air.....they should be doing more anyway. I know it's a Mom thing to want to coddle our chicklets but they can fly on their own for the next few weeks.

    Just like you can. You're gonna get this; you're gonna do this. And someone from NM will be cheering you on!!

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  3. Hang in there, Chelle! Every sense in your body is heightened right now, so everything seems like a big deal. Enjoy it, learn from it and know that everything will work out. This is YOUR time! The laundry will still be there, the stains can always be cleaned (or new carpet purchased! ha!), but you will never have this FIRST COMPETITION feeling again! Your family will understand, when they see you on stage that night, they will understand! I am so pumped for you!

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  4. Oh goodness! I too hint and it doesn't work! I'm starting to ask for help more because that's the only way I'll get it. you are so not alone there! I get the carb monster, she's not pretty. Hopefully your family understands too. I always used to tell my husband that it wasn't personal, I wasn't mad at him or the kids and to just walk away when I'm like that. He gets it now =)

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  5. deep breathes girl... and another one...
    if you don't ask you don't get...
    and breathe again...
    and again...
    you are doing great... hang in there...
    ask.... breathe... ask...

    ReplyDelete