Friday, August 5, 2011
Can't Do This Alone
I started this journey out of desire. Desire to be more than I was. It wasn't to walk across a stage in a skimpy bikini that's glued to my butt & boobs, wasn't to be in the spotlight and wave at the judges and crowd, wasn't to spend hours prancing about in stripper heels flexing my muscles. My desire was to be more comfortable and more confident with and in myself so that when attention is on me I don't freeze up in fear and self-doubt. Seems like an extreme way to achieve that goal, but since when do I do things in half-measures?
Why do I want that? Because of the other things I want. I want to influence, to empower, to teach. I want to leave a mark on the world, one that helps others be better than they are - realize their own potential and embrace it. "If I can do it, you can do it" - those aren't just words to me, that's my message, followed with "and I want to help you do it." And that requires growth on my part. The vehicle for this growth, right now, is my competition - the journey to, and the walk across, the stage. And I can't do it alone.
While I've battled Hungry and Grouchy (some would call it Bitchy, and I can't disagree), I've also been realizing afresh that I'm not really alone. It often feels like it - I'm the only one who can do the workout - and give it all I've got, I'm the only one who can stay on the diet, who can do the cardio, who can practice the posing, who can walk onto that stage. That's all me. But it's only possible because of the people in my life who are making it possible. The people who are putting up with this manic person who's moved into my body.
Tab - who in taking on Competition Chelle has temporarily lost Best-Friend-Chelle. Bill - who is living with a stranger with a short fuse, instead of his supportive soul-mate. My kids - who have no idea who Mom is now, but are so proud of what I'm doing, even when I yell for no apparent reason. My friends who consider me MIA, but support my goals. My boss - who is flexible with my time and tolerant of my constant need to eat.
My whole life revolves around this competition. I've put in 21 weeks of preparation, and I've got 3 more to go. The process requires a selfishness that I'm not comfortable with, but know that it's required. This week, more than ever before, I appreciate the people who are beside me. The people who have made my desire their goal, too.
Tab - who is sculpting my body, encouraging me, leading me, teaching me, talking me off ledges and giving me the power and courage to do what I've set out to do. She's giving me her time, her expertise, and so much more. Tab, I promise when I pack for Mexico, Competition Chelle is not going in the suitcase!
Bill - who is supporting me, tolerating me, rubbing my hamstring, helping me, loving me - even when I am at my most unlovable. Last week, in the midst of all this, he told me that if he could write a song to me it would be Adelita's Way - Alive. That song is now on my HIIT playlist, right at the end, driving me home through that last 4 minutes of interval hell. (Don't tell him he's also got a presence on my steady state cardio playlist with Christina Aguilera's Aint No Other Man).
My kids - Joey, Ariel, Shiloh and Bethany - their pride in me, and what I'm doing is humbling, and astonishing. There are no words to describe how it feels to have my kids so fully behind what I'm doing.
My friends - the encouragement you guys all send me, through emails, texts, phone calls, etc - keeps me going. It seems that whenever I hit a new low, there's an twee, email or a comment from you that brings me back from the dark side.
Thank you. All of you. You're as much a part of my journey as I am. I can't do it alone, and I'm so glad I have you all with me.