Thursday, May 26, 2016
In The Blink of an Eye
I type that, then am stumped. Stare at my blank screen with a blank mind. Heart hurting and chest squeezed. I just don't know what to say. Or how to say it. Or who to say it to. Or who to be angry at. Because I really, really want someone to be angry at. We've lost a luminous light. A beautiful young man who ran tame in my home for years. An honorary big brother and best friend to my son, a fearless, fiercely alive force who wrung out every last drop of joy in living. Gone. Far too soon.
And I don't know who to blame. Surely there's someone at fault. There's got to be somewhere to direct all this... whatever this is that I'm feeling. Sad, angry, unbelieving, horror, fear - oh so much fear. I want to gather my family and lock them up tight, hold them so closely that nothing can ever happen to them. I want to keep them safe from the whims of fate - but how?? Of course, I can't. There's no way to protect them from life. From death.
We've experienced so damn much grief in the last few years. Deaths of dreams, of hopes and possibilities, and now the loss of such a special life. It just jangles in my mind like a discordant note in a song.
All I can do is keep moving forward. And if sometimes, moving forward means simply not sliding back, that's ok. I wish I could ease my loved ones pain. I wish I could soothe my fellow mother's heart. What I can, and will do is continue to be here. To try not to hold too tightly. To love unconditionally, and keep pushing fear back. To go on finding joy, even within grief.
And I'll remember the laughter. So many years of memories that are wrapped in the sound of the boys laughing. I'll treasure that. And I'll continue to believe in happy endings. For all of us.