Monday, July 19, 2010

Confession - Good for the Soul, but it SUCKS!

I've got some catching up to do! I'll start with Friday.... GIRL DAY!!! Wooohoo! Tab and I did legs at 8am, then cleaned up, ate, and hit the mall(s)! Shop till you drop was the name of the game! It was awesome! And of course, we hit up Godiva for a delightful chocolate treat! :-) We found everything on the list, plus I picked up a pair of Nike workout pants (capris) for $20 (YES!), a new bra (go Bombshell Strapless! A godsend for the boob-challenged. Woo!), a new perfume (what is it about me that only picks new perfumes when they're about to be done away with! Yeesh!). Above all, it was wonderful just to have some girl-time.

Wow, the day is flying by! Ok, back to my update. Saturday was chill... a variety of chores then hung out by the pool with the hubby (we were the only ones home, wooohoo!), splashed around with the dog, and tried to watch a movie, but the HDTV was messed up. Sunday was grocery shopping and food prep... grilled chicken, quinoa, hard boiled eggs, crockpot beets... the usual. I did find a new "cooler" for Bill, as he's evidently unhappy with his "un-manly" cooler, lol. Below are some quick pics from my Counter of Chaos :-) along with a photo of my dinner - Ahi Steak sandwich (YUMMMM!!!). I'll post the recipe soon. Even Bill liked it (he hates fish, lol).

Confession...    Ok. I give.  Confession may be good for the soul, but it "effing" sucks! Here goes. I have a Total Epic Fail, with no one to blame but myself. I'm smoking again. #@!%*!  How is it that I can take control of my food & fitness, I can achieve a huge weight loss and maintain it, I can stop smoking for 9 months... and then... what? Why?  How did I fail? It's time to do some serious soul-searching. I don't even like smoking! I don't like the stale-smoke odor, or ash everywhere, or restricted lung capacity, or sitting in 115 degree heat to suck down a cigarette.

So what do I like? The companionship... weird, right? Bill never did quit smoking, and since smoking isn't allowed in the house, if he went out for a smoke, that was time I missed out on. Stupid. I know, but that's how it started, and it just gathered momentum from there.
It's amazing the lies I tell myself...
○  If I don't actually buy the cigarettes, then I'm not really "smoking again".  (Really???)
○  If I can hide it from the kids, then I'm not really "smoking again".  (uhhh, busted)  
○  If I don't smoke around other smokers, then I'm not really "smoking again". (Seriously?)
○  My asthma is better (which it is, but is the cancer risk worth the natural bronchiodilation aspect of the tobacco? I don't think so).
○  I'll quit tomorrow.
○  I'll quit after ____ (fill in whatever stressful event is coming up).
○  It's not affecting my health/fitness (whatever!!)

I know these are lies. I know how disappointed my kids are. I know how disappointed I am. So why don't I stop? What is it that's keeping me lighting up? I honestly don't know, but you can be damned sure I'm going to figure it out, and this time make it stick.  I have to discover what the hook in me is before I can successfully quit -- and geeze! There's another one! what is wrong with me? Just quit already! Sure it's important to figure it out, to get off the sick cycle, but that's not a reason to put off quitting.  I think I have another ginormous ugly blanket to knit.
Bottom line, folks... I'm real. I'm fallible. I fail. Epically. Miserably. But...I will beat this. I will.

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