Thursday, October 7, 2010

Yoga, Zumba and the Knee Brace

9am.  Quick post before I run out the door. Evidently I am a brute. My indestructible brace, The Beast, I have destroyed. :-(  Yep, I broke it. I'm heading over to the prosthetics lab to see if they can fix or replace it. Dagnabbit!

On another note, I did learn there are 2 more yoga poses I am not able to do (or should not attempt to do, lol)... Pigeon and yogi squat. Oops - my bad.

Yogi Squat Pigeon Pose, upright

5pm... Runnin' out the door again. I have Zumba tonight with Tab & Erin. We'll see if I get any better at shakin' my booty... or if I'm still just a'rattlin' my teeth :-) Tomorrow is Leg Day... Tab's got a workout for me that'll allow me to continue to strength train without doing further damage (have I mentioned how grateful I am for Tab? 'Cuz I am!).  Tomorrow is also a whirlwind of last minute errands and packing. We leave Saturday as soon as Shiloh is back from her SAT's.  Woohoo! I can't wait!! MEXICO!!!!!!   We are duly registered with the Dept. of State for our trip, reservations are confirmed, and we are so very ready to go! It's our first trip away from home in more than 2 1/2 years.

Because we're taking so much food with us, most of my meals will be clean and on track, allowing me to really enjoy the treats :-)  Ah, tacos and Pina Coladas! Woohoo! There is a gym... I am undecided on working out. Originally, the plan was to work out every day, but with my knee situation.... I'm packing my stuff in case I decide to, but rest may be the better choice. We'll see.

I'm have a new brace. This is certainly a lesson in finding, and honoring, my limitations. My "Go hard or go home" mentality will not serve me well, and I have to adjust. I do not like to adjust. I do not like to back off. But if I don't, I will not heal. My concern is about that healing... let's say the tears in the tendon heal, the wearing & pitting in the kneecap is not something that will heal, nor is the arthritis... where will that leave me? The last three years have been a constant battle for fitness, for strength. Will I be physically capable of continuing the battle, or is the battle destroying me? At what point do I cross the line from strengthening into breaking down? How do I recognize it?

While I try to stay light and bright, laugh when I can, I am haunted by what's to come. I don't know how to adjust.  Now that I am being honest with myself, I recognize that the pain I live with is not normal. It's not the pain of becoming a better athlete. I wake in the mornings, and ignore that it hurts almost unbearably to walk. I ignore when my ankle throbs, and my shoulder bites. I rub creams on my hand when it aches so badly I can't use it to type, and then I ignore it. I've told myself to suck it up, push through, keep moving. And I've made it worse. Why have I done this? How have I not seen that this is not normal?

Now I'm taking steps, I'm seeing doctors, wearing a brace, following (mostly) instructions... but what damage have I done by allowing this to go untreated for so long? I guess I'll be finding out. And, exploring another life-lesson from yoga... modification. I need to accept and understand that modifying does not make me weak.

I am very afraid of being weak.

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