Friday, September 23, 2011

A Moment of Transparency

This week has been rough. Actually, personally speaking, the last two weeks have been vicious. Between my job and my personal life, I've hit some major bumps that have me thinking hard about balance and goals. As a blogger, I strive to be transparent, but as a person (with people in her life) I also have to be discreet and protective. It's a fine line to balance on.

In many ways, blogging is anonymous, and cathartic, but once something hits the web - it's out there, forever, and may not be suitable for all audiences, therefore it's important to handle blogging responsibly. Example... one thing that happened this week had me steaming - FURIOUS! And because it's something that I know I'm not the only one dealing with, I wanted to blog about it - but can't because there are people in my life who would read it and be hurt by it. So I take the high road and keep my fingers off the keyboard on the subject - though I may or may not have spent time this week on a website that exposes deadbeat paternal entities. Ok, maybe I'm not totally on the high road. But I didn't post on the site, so I get points for that, right? Yeah, I'm still pissed.

Getting more serious, there are things I experience that effect me beyond my emotions... things that interfere with my routines, my fitness and life goals, that challenge where I'm going - sometimes I can share them, other times I can't. Soon after my show, I was presented with one of these experiences, and it's dragged out for weeks, only now starting to resolve. It shook me hard - would this have happened had I not been solely focused on my stage-goal? Had I not been distracted by my own path, would I have seen and prevented this? It creates a monster of guilt that has grabbed me by the throat and slammed me to the ground. Logically, I know that I had no control over the situation, regardless of where my focus was. Emotionally, I question. Did I fail? Is this my fault? 

While life moves on, I struggle with my balance. Family, work, passion & goals press on me, overlapping and tangling. Sometimes I just want to hit the pause button and breathe for a moment - that's all, just breathe. There's so much to do, so many hats to wear, there are moments when what I feel can only be called despair. I don't like to say that. I'm a very positive person, but there are those moments.

What's my point? Why am I sharing this? My point is that I'm normal and I share this because I promised transparency & honesty. Life can be hard and hurtful - we all have challenges, I'm not exempt from them. I continue to draw strength from loved ones, from you guys, from my hopes, dreams and goals, from experience and achievement, and from failure. I continue to grow. I continue to move forward. If sometimes I fret over whether or not I can get it all done, well, I guess that's just part of the journey, isn't it?


  1. Everyone deals with the same struggles in balancing life. Don't worry, you're not alone! Thank your opening up and sharing. We're all human.

  2. thank you for posting this!!!!
    i agree with JenCoen...we are all human!
    and i dont think anyone expects you to be miss "happy go lucky i can balnace everything in my life without a bump in the road" EVERYDAY...
    its hard to find that balance in life at times-thats the bottom line. if it were an easy task at hand,then life would not only be boring,but it would probably be the death of pesonal and emotional growth.
    we live,we learn,we grow by the process of living,discovering,achieveing,succeeding,failure,heartbreak,choices and by simply being human...
    hang in there chica,you are not alone!!!

  3. Sending you a great big blogger hug! You are definitely not alone. I have deleted many posts due to their content. Sometimes I feel so comfortable with all of you that read my blog, that I forget that the blogosphere is not a private place.

    Live is about lessons. We are all constantly learning and changing and growing. Even though you were focused on the competition and something happened outside of yourself that you feel some responsibility for, maybe it was a good growing opportunity for the other people involved.

    Hang in there. Your blog is one of the highlights of my day!