Monday, August 17, 2015

The Invisible Wall

I posted last week - about where we're at (waiting for test results), and other random tidbits of daily life. We were pretty excited, very hopeful. On Friday, the results came in and everything just... shattered. Despite all our efforts, the expense, the treatments...

There's a scene in the 2nd Hunger Games movie (Catching Fire), where the competitors are all in the dome, Katniss and Finnick are running from one of the traps, and slam face first into an invisible wall that separates them from the rest of their team. That moment of utter shock and pain at impact, then the panic when they realize they can't reach their goal... That's how it feels right now.

I want so badly to escape where we are right now, I want so desperately to get us to the other side of that invisible wall. But even once we get there, the damage is done. If you've seen the film, you know how haunted they were once they escaped the jabberjays - the fears and worries, the sense of being beaten down. For us, the damage is done. There's no undoing it. No fixing it. We must simply live with it, and find a way to thrive, not just survive.

There's something so incredibly wrong, and unfair, about not being able to protect my children from this. We'd walk through fire for our kids, but having to watch them do it themselves is a cruelty I never expected. And yet... I'm so proud of them. They amaze me with their strength, determination, maturity, and grace. They humble me with their hope and awe me with their unity. They make me think of the Willow tree... bending with the wind, bending but not breaking.

To be honest, and I promised I'd always be honest on this blog, I feel like I'm breaking a bit. It's just been one blow after another this year, and I can't seem to keep up. I keep moving, keep trying to stay ahead of the hits, but... I feel more like the Oak than the Willow. And if you know me at all, you know that I'm beating myself up about it. Why aren't I stronger? Why can't I do more? Why can't I protect my kids from life?? Why can't I FIX this??? (Umm, because I'm not God? lol)

The journey isn't over. We've got a few options to pursue, and a lot to think about. But most important, we've got each other. While this latest storm is still fresh, and our pain is very raw, we'll all learn to accept then continue to grow. Hope is still alive, and I absolutely believe that dreams will be fulfilled.


  1. May GOD BLESS you and your family during this troubling time(s). Only he know the answers and the outcome. We all struggle within ourselves believe I know, but I keep reminding myself have FAITH Julie have Faith. SO hard to do at times but that's all of each of us have. Keep up the faith and if you have to scream which I do (lol) when no one is around then do. Stay Strong!!!!

    1. Thank you!! And yes, I do a bit of screaming when I'm alone, lol.